slow beauty

in little ways all week i have been given the image of slow beauty. that little steady voice in my head has been noticing all of these wonderful places where waiting and anticipation of something incredible is more potent that receiving what is desired when the first glimpse of want floats in. tonight while watching one of my favorite tv shows i was reminded of this. there is something so sweet watching the build up to the right time and place for two of the main characters relationship. i mean there have been so many times when i have wanted the writers to bring them together yet i can now see how the waiting is better, because there will be no questions when it finally does happen it will be the "ah" moment for the characters and the audience.

this is also true in real life. there is something so important to the process of waiting for the right. we are always offered the option of the "right here and now" and at times it is hard to see the difference between that and the "right, as in best". i think i am beginning to believe that there is something so very sweet and delicate, heady and powerful about the "best right" when everything aligns and it happens. there is something so rooted in the truth of that rightness that it becomes so evident it radiates.

it is for this "best right" that i truly hope i am waiting for career and relationship and even moving out of seattle wise. it is my dearest wish that all the struggle and heartache and growth is part of the process of getting to that "best right" and that maybe in that moment my over thinking mind will be so saturated with the truth of that reality that it will just shut up and trust without doubts or second opinions. there is something so lovely about the slow beauty that comes from waiting...plus when it comes to relationships i was told by two incredible older women "the sex is better"

We are not commodities...we are human beings

Tonight as I was driving home I turned on NPR and heard part of a very interesting address on the state of our culture. I think it might have been Empire of Illusion by Chris Hedges. No matter what it was I was struck by how absolutely it nailed our western (specifically American) view of life as being completely marketable in every aspect. Much of what I heard centered around Michael Jackson as the personification of this insidious cultural ethos. Central to this ethos is the notion that something only has value and worth because it is marketable. Anything that isn't marketable contains no value. While my heartbroke hearing this reality clearly articulated, especially since I want to work in an industry that is responsible for the mass distribution of this ethos, I was also challenged by the desire to work against this evil and insidious under belly. We don't have to buy into the cult of commodity.

Ultimately we have the power to change this which we think we are powerless against. Yet like becoming more green, more aware of the needs of our global and local brothers and sisters, or becoming more aware of seeking justice it will cost. Unlike what we are mostly told change costs. To do something for the betterment of another will demand something of us, will demand something of me. So often we ask whether or not the risk and the cost is worth it. I do every time I encounter a situation where I am given the chance to act or to ignore. But is your life that trivial? No, so then why is the life of another. I know so often I don't live as I would like to...taking costs so that I may bless others even though I know that when I do I learn so much and am in turn so blessed by the act of seeing another person as intrinsically valuable. I hope that we will soon shake off out 24 hr cult of the impossible perfect, the new, the meticulously crafted celebrity and instead enter into a place where every one is intrinsically valuable because they are.

bones is back and i am so happy

ok so i am not a tv watcher and when i do i watch online because really who wants to center their life around tv programing. but this week "bones" one of my favorite tv shows started back up again and i am so excited! cyndi lauper was the guest star which was sooo cool! but the best part about it all beside the how the weekly installment of new bones warms my heart to it's toes is that in four weeks not only will i get to watch my favorite show but my friend kasey will be on the tv in my favorite show for a whole hour!!!! you have to understand that when i saw a commercial that he was in a month ago while babysitting i totally freaked out. it is a funny thing to look up and see someone you spent years in school acting with on tv. i squealed "oh my god kasey" causing the dog to look at me in alarm. this i am sure will happen again when i watch that episode of bones if nothing else i will be flooded with the warmth of watching my lovely friend in his art. so yeah for fall and kasey and bones!

Body as battlefield

Every time I get to the point where I stop being aware of the fact that as women we are still underlyingly seen as body/sex object, I am smacked in the face with a stark reminder.Whether you want to accept it or not from the beginning of history to now women's bodies are a battlefield of gender and power dynamics the place where control and domination are proven. How often is a man in public leadership critiqued first and foremost on his looks or attractiveness, yet any woman in a position of power is ALWAYS described first by her subsequent attractive (or hotness) factor even before we speak about her qualifications.

Yesterday afternoon a dear friend and I on a respite from the city began talking about how we are taught to hate our bodies and how the most harmful experiences we have had are around sexuality, desire, attraction and our bodies. As we spoke I started to cry because I want so badly for this not to be true for this not to happen for women to be seen as beautiful in the diverse and lovely ways they all ready are. Today reading through an article on "feeding porn" (http://bitchmagazine.org/article/feast-of-burden) in on of my favorite cultural critiquing feminist magazines I felt the anger and sorrow filling up again. I keep thinking about taking Women and the Bible and reading biblical texts like the Rape of Tamar. Why do these things still happen? Why do we let them? Why are women still seen as objects and things for men to dominate and conquer...and why do we encourage mentalities that feed this understanding? I know many good and kind men but I also grieve for men that the gift of maleness being the expression of God in that manner is not honored and because of that seeks to destroy the beauty of God's femaleness that is present in women. I believe and hope to see God's presence in the restoration of male and female relationships both in moments now and in the final recreation.

do we always have to choose?

i am reading an article that a friend sent me about an amazing female artist/art anthropologist. on one hand i am blown away by the great offering that she gives and on the other i am so struck by the either/or mentality in her life story. it to me is indicative of the sad paradigm of second wave feminism. the incredible wonder that this woman has to offer the world and especially in regard to understanding of art is incredible but the splitting of self of motherhood and marriage makes my heart ache. maybe this is because i am a third or more wave feminist who doesn't think one should have to give up family, love, or dreams. i come from the generation who tries to do all and level the balance between career and children in the partnered relationship realm. if i ever get the chance to have all three (love, family, and career) i hope that i will not have to give up one on the pyre of any of the others. it makes me so sad that many have seen no other way to live but by the pyre, offering everything to do the work they were uniquely created and made for.

In light of 30

after a horrible week and a contemplative weekend peppered with pep-talks from my roommate i have decided that i am going to take baby-steps to move forward in my thirties. the first of these baby-steps started last week in the midst of my mental chaos. instead of allowing the sinking ship of my brain to take everything down with it, i choose to do something and at that point what i could do was art. over the course of a week i have made several paintings and pieces of jewelry. this is a huge acomplishment the ability to do something that is life giving in the middle of a hole of sour thoughts.

another thirty resolution is to try and focus on the good things, glass half full that sort of thing. in light of trying to do this i have been able to embrace what next steps might look like and where to go from here. with the blessing of a studio space and time hopefully i can begin to find some steady rhythms even when it feels like chaos.

in light of thirty i am seeking hope and a future in the day to day of the hear and now.

when i spoke with my grandmother today she said "honey this is the first time i have heard such hope and joy in you in a long time...i think this is the break that we've been needing." thanks grandma!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DORIS AND GRANDPA, and early BIRTHDAY ETHAN WESTLEY big nine year old.

antidepressants, true love, and why i have neither

i have been struggling no rather battling with depression a lot recently what with my 30th birthday just weeks around the corner. that age looms stark and bright on the horizon seeing as how i not only am no where near where i thought i would be at when turning thirty but in fact am feel like a utter fucked up failure. i don't have enough work to pay the bills, i have been single for the last ten years, and i can't seem to get out of the hole no matter what i do. to top it off i am so screwed and broke i don't even have the luxury of being able to get medication to bring my self into balance because i haven't had health insurance for the last four years.

so instead i practice my own form of self medication...creating art and watching great film making (which kind of works and kind of doesn't). it works because by making art i am at least being productive and creating something...painting is especially therapeutic yet also i get more depressed because i want to badly to be a part of making movies.

tonight in the name of self medication therapy i watched "across the universe" which i love, most likely because at my heart i am a HUGE fan of musicals. julie taymor does an incredible job and creating films that capture the nature of live theatre plus they are so damned cool looking. oh yeah and she has both bono and eddie izzard in the trippy song sequences so that's pretty cool yeah. any way as i was engulfed in beatles music and love stories i found my self wondering about the nature of true love. you see i have been questioning the actuality that it is possible for everyone to experience love healthy and life giving love. so many of my friends are separated or divorced or choosing bad relationships or worse settling for something that isn't what is best for them. all of this makes me question the possibility of true love for everyone, granted i know a chosen few who amazingly do have this dynamic in their relationship yet they are few and far between. i often ponder the question of if love will actually come to me in my life or if to have a relationship i will have to settle for what comes that which is less than my heart aches for. or am i so very wrong and love is out there and he who my heart longs for will come. a phrase which comes out of the many hymns we sing at church leading to a follow up question can i love God with out experiencing loving another person who is tangible and flawed?

i don't know all i know right now is that i want so badly to move from hoping someday things will come together to a place where they do in their flawed and beautiful way. gosh i am scared about my birthday.